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Monthly Archives: January 2017

Worst Possible First Date

· It’s never a good idea to “meet the parents” right away. Inviting the new guy over for Sunday dinner, no matter how casual it might be, could lead to an early disaster. Parents and siblings can’t help themselves – the “date” will turn into an inquisition. On the other hand, if he actually makes it through dinner, he (or she) is a keeper!

· Stay away from loud places. How on earth can you expect to get to know someone when you can’t even hear yourself speak? A nightclub or concert is never a good idea, no matter how much you both love the band on stage.

· The movies! I can’t tell you how many clients I have who insisted on a movie for the first date. Unless you talk through the whole movie, it can be quite awkward just sitting next to a virtual stranger for two hours.

· Dinner is always a good idea, but make sure you know where! Buying a new outfit only to find yourself at a local fast food joint – which happens to be “his favorite place” – is a deal breaker.

· The beach can be “iffy”. There are beach lovers who would give their right arm to actually live on the beach in their SUV full time, and there are others who enjoy visiting a few times each summer. If you are invited to a beach, you need to make sure right away that your interests at the beach are totally inline with your date’s. In other words, if your goal is to dip your toes in the water, bring a book, and sit under an umbrella to chill for a while, but your date shows up with snorkel gear and a case of beer – there is no fun on the horizon for you two!

· A picnic. This can go either way. Much depends on where, when, and what food is involved. I went on a picnic in Central Park once that was catered by a hotel, complete with china, champagne and gourmet finger foods. The weather was perfect and my date turned out to be a (very married) class act. Another picnic in the Berkshires turned out to be the exact opposite – middle of the woods, ants and creatures all over, cold and drizzly, and the food was nothing more than take out he picked up on the way, with music from his boom box. Yawn… (Too bad the married guy couldn’t have given this one some pointers!) If you love picnics, make sure you have some input into the planning.

· Lunch! I know there are many dating venues out there that actively promote first dates at lunch time, but I really don’t agree. Restaurants can be crowded, you don’t get seated quickly, and you are both most likely rushing to get back to work. If you both have lots more flexibility, sure, go for it. But if you are the average person out there with a job and responsibilities, lunch time is not the best scenario to meet up with someone for the first time.

· A bar! There are really two types of bars – there is a standalone enterprise that may or may not have food, and the other is a bar inside a restaurant where customers can frequent, with or without waiting to sit down for dinner. If he wants to meet you at a bar, make sure you and your date are both on board with what type of establishment this is going to be. Having a cocktail before dinner is perfectly fine, but if he intends to hang out at Bob’s Biker Bar all night, this might not be your cup of tea so to speak.

Mature Daters

Be Yourself

Without any doubt, you should make a great impression. However, you must not overdo it. As a matter of fact, you should not act or look like someone you are not. In other words, you should be yourself at all times. Your personality has its own charm. With time, the other person will develop a liking for you, which will go a long way.

Don’t be too personal

You have to be neutral when it comes to talking to each other. In other words, you should not ask too many personal questions. In the same way, you should not disclose too much of personal information when spending time together. What you need to do is talk about general stuff like current news, hobbies, political developments and celebrities, just to name a few. The purpose of your first date is to be frank with each other in order to develop a rapport.

Let the other person talk

You don’t have to do all the talking. While conversation is one of the best icebreakers, you don’t have to start a conversation all the time. In other words, you should also let the other person talk. You should be a good listener and give the other person the attention he or she deserves.

Just relax

Before your first date, you should be relaxed. While the lack of thought has resulted in dates that have failed, too much of thinking can also cause a lot problems. You don’t have to invest a great deal of effort to plan your date. The purpose of your first meet-up should be to have fun.

No Special Mantra

Dating is about having fun. It doesn’t matter whether it is a mature date or some other kind. What you need to keep in mind is that you don’t need to look for a mantra to have a successful date. You just need to be what you are. You should be free of all emotional constrains and be ready for fun.

Stay Connected when LDR

While you’re apart take the time and make the effort to communicate at least once a day, more often if you can. You can maintain an emotional connection with communication that is brief and frequent. They don’t have to be long, in-depth heart-to-heart conversations but can be short text messages about your day, asking advice or just telling your partner that you are thinking about them.

Let’s not be stalkish or smothering about it though. Calling or texting every hour, waking them up before the alarm clock or ordering pizza to be sent to their place for dinner at night is a bit much. Instead, aim for substantial and detailed communications about your thoughts, asking questions, asking advice or telling about what happened to you that day.

But, let’s face it. After a bit, text messages and phone calls can get tedious. So break the mold and make a video for your partner. Use your phone to tape yourself driving to work, while the phone is in the passenger seat aimed at you. Chat with the phone like your partner is sitting in the seat next to you.

Write a love letter. The art of snail mail is failing in our society today. And yet, there is something so much more personal and loving about a piece of paper held in your hand. Write a thank you note to your partner for listening to you while you ranted about your boss. Or write an invitation to your next rendezvous.

Try to visit each other as often as possible. Long distance can mean a 30 minute trip or a 10 hour trip. Online dating has made meeting people from across the country easier than ever. Before this you had to actually get in the car and drive somewhere to see the Rocky Mountains and meet a cowboy! Schedule as much time together as you can and spend it with other people. We live in community and when you spend it together with other people, you actually get to know each other better.

Alternate who does the traveling. It might be easier for one of you to travel than the other, but it’s important that you both put in the effort to see each other. Otherwise the one doing all the traveling may grow to resent the one not traveling. If you can both get away, try meeting somewhere in the middle occasionally. You won’t be able to spend time with friends, but it’s a nice way to disconnect from everyday life and connect with your partner. Just don’t let it be the only way you meet, or your understanding of life together will be seen through rose colored glasses.

Boundaries Important in Dating

1) They define you

Boundaries show who you are and who you are not. Things with which you agree and disagree will be clear when there are boundaries. With dating boundaries in place, problems will be prevented before they happen. It is important to clarify your values, morals and preferences. Then it becomes easier to solve problems. Let people define you according to your own definitions of yourself.

2) Boundaries protect you

They enable you to keep in the things you want and keep out those you do not want. With the dating boundaries, toxic and unhealthy influences by people are kept out of your life. So you are not exposed to such toxic influences.

Those who are prudent see danger and take refuge, but the naïve continue on and suffer the consequences.” (Proverbs 17:12).

Boundaries help protect your heart. So you know what to let in and what to keep out. Within yourself, you have good treasures to guard and nurture. They include sincere love, which is your deepest capacity to trust and connect with others. You have your emotions to protect, which enable you to own your feelings and not allow someone else’s feelings to control you. Furthermore, you have your own important things, which we call values. Your life must express and reflect what you deeply care about. There is a need to have control over how you act in your dating relationship. So you have your own behaviors. Have freedom to express your own stances and opinions about yourself and your date. You have your own attitudes and you are the only one that is responsible for what is inside your boundaries. Your life is like a garden. So you need to weed out what is not important and that which is toxic. Nurture the good and develop it.